<<I always find it weird that Van Halen wrote a song called, "Dance the night away." Who just all out gets down and dances to Van Halen music?
Last week I wrote
and told you about how I won a free dance lesson while attending a car show - because everyone knows that dance lessons and car shows go hand in hand (no they don't). (go read it
really quickly it will make this blog even funnier).
Our lesson was scheduled for the following week. I couldn't wait!! I agonized over what shoes to wear - I mean on Dancing with The Stars the dancers all wear heels but not heels that are too high, you know? But not little kitten heels either. I wanted my shoes to make me look long legged and elegant but not so long legged that I looked like a "dancer" (I put dancer in quotes because I'm really saying stripper) or that my toes would swell up after wearing the shoes for 13.4 minutes.
When the instructor called to verify the lesson appointment I asked her excitedly exactly what shoes I should wear to be ensure that I will indeed cut that rug and she replied, "Um, ones that won't fall off."
Oh... well... maybe she has OTHER (read: stupid) people who come to lessons wearing the WRONG shoes that are constantly falling off during a syncopated spot turn (like that dance term? I have no idea what it means, YET) - but I wouldn't be like the OTHER (read: lame) students who wear flip flops to lessons, no sir. I will wear awesome medium tall strappy shoes so that they will definitely stay on during my toe heel triple step (whatever that means).
I also needed to select the perfect dancing dress. I needed something that fit my curves well, that wasn't too short and that would be flowy. I imagined all of the spinning we would be doing and I really wanted to have the fabric from the dress flow around me in a rhythmic fashion - almost mesmerizing to the spectator. During the call I asked the instructor what to wear to accomplish this idea to which she responded blandly, "Whatever you're wearing will be fine."
Oh...well... maybe those OTHER (read: bad dressers) students wear boring work suits, but not me!! I selected the perfect dress to go with my super-stay-on strappy shoes for the event. She would be blown away at my dedication to this lesson! I would be her favorite.
The time for the lesson had come. I was dressed and ready to go and I reminded LPP for the 244245th time that we had our free dance lesson and off we went!
This is a real picture of me with LPP before we even left the house!
The lesson was held in a huge room with hardwood floors and mirrors all around. I went swirling and clicking into the room ready to dance with energy and elegance! There were many people all around and several other instructors with them. But they were not what I had expected.
Not even close.
We were in a room full of mostly overweight, middle aged women wearing mom jeans. They were being herded around by various gay male instructors who were shouting over the music at them things like "1, 2, 3, 4 SASHAY!!!!! THERE YOU GO LADIES!!!!" and "SIDE STEP SIDE STEP SIDE STEP TURN! GOOD JOB GIRLS!" Oh and there was a disco ball.
Except for instructors - there were no men. So if there was a couples dance, they had to dance with each other. Just like this picture.
Then what followed was 30 minutes of a sales pitch where our instructor taught us a few basic moves all the while telling us how she'd never seen anyone like us before and that we looked like we knew how to dance! We had barely broken a sweat before she ushered us over to a table with a lessons sign up sheet. She'd surreptitiously given us a discount for package with the lower number of lessons because "I don't think you two would even need any extra lessons!"
Then she sat there. Staring at us. This was worse than trying to buy a car - at least the sales guy leaves you a few minutes to discuss your purchase. Not this lady, oh no. Not only did she sit there while we tried to quietly discuss our thoughts, she interjected her sales responses.
Mother Cusser: "Gosh, LPP this would have us here twice a week, what would we do with our four sons?"
ANNOYING INSTRUCTOR INTERRUPTION: "Bring em! The more the merrier!"
MC: Sideways glance at her. Back to LPP - "They would not like being here and we would be interrupted constantly to manage them."
AII: "Bring their video games! They can sit in the back! Lots of people do it!"
MC: Ignoring her. "Nevermind the kids, it's expensive."
AII: "You know what? Couples never give each other gifts for Christmas. Always focusing on the kids. This could be your gift to each other - for your relationship."
LPP: annoyed at her. "We are not like other couples."
AII: "Hey that's great! All you need to do is make your relationship a priority. This is a great way to do that!"
LPP: "Look you don't need to be worrying about our relationship..."
MC: running interference before LPP really got mad. "Okay, hey can we have a few minutes alone please?"
AII: scoots back her chair. stays seated.
MC: "Like can you give us actual privacy at the table so we can discuss?"
AII: sets her jaw, smiles faintly. "Of course."
After we finally got the instructor extracted from our rear ends, we determined that at this time, we did not want to buy a new car - I mean - take dance lessons.
Because we are saving for a Porsche.